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Because I am a Woman

Because I am a woman
I am different from a man. We may look like the same species, but there are different “rules” for each of us.

Because I am a woman,
I need to spend 20 minutes outlining my lips before I put on lipstick. Even though you say I have a big mouth, my lips are too thin.

My hair is too flat/curly/dark/ light/wavy. Whatever my hair looks like, I want it to be the opposite. My eyes are too small, and my skin is too blotchy.

Thus, all of the time I spent in bathroom getting ready to go out is an essential part of my routine. I need all this make-up so that other woman will think I am naturally pretty.

Because I am a woman,
I will get up at 6:30 in the morning to go shopping if the store is having a sale. It doesn’t matter that I don’t need any new clothes, there are on SALE . Besides, I have 3 kinds of clothes in my closet.

There are “fat” clothes for my PMS (that’s pre menstrual Syndrome) days, “dressy” clothes for the dancing I keep asking you to take me, and “thin” clothes, that I will never get into in again without liposuction. I will, however, keep all the “thin” clothes, because tomorrow I am going on a diet. Therefore I need exercise clothes too. It takes a lot of shopping to fill up so much closet space.

Because I am a woman,
I need many shoes. Work shoes, dress shoes, three kind of athletic shoes, sandals, slippers, open toed shoes. I need high heeled shoes mid heeled shoes, low heeled shoes, flats, and boots. I need shoes in every color of the rainbow to match my extensive wardrobe (see above).

Because I am a woman,
I will get annoyed if you come to me and announce that there is no food in the house. In all likelihood there is plenty of food. I am not falling for the trick and making you a sandwich.

However, I will stand in front of my full closet and complain that I have nothing to wear. This is not the same thing.

Because I am a woman,
I will spend hours on the phone with my friends, even if I just saw my best friend today, I need to call and tell her who is on Oprah.

Especially if it is Danzel Washington .

Because I am a woman,
I will talk about you to my friends. We will discuss your underwear, your bathroom habits, and your childhood. However, if you even mention my middle name to your friends I will be angry.

Because I am a woman,
I need to talk about “the relationship” far more than you do. I will pick the worst possible time (when your favorite soccer team Arsenal is at most scoring their 1st goal against Manchester United) and say “Hon, we need to talk“. If you ask to wait until the game is over, you will find your self sleeping on the couch.

Because I am a woman,
I will have mood swings. PMS is a medical condition. So, when I scream at you and call you an SOB and then cry and want to cuddle within an hour, I am not crazy. I am a woman.

Because I am a woman,
I have strange eating habits. I will order only salads on our first date, and lobster after we married.

I will buy candy bars and washed them down with diet soda. I will put artificial sweetener in my double _mocha latte (only served at java coffee house). And any food eaten while cooking does not count as food.

Because I am a woman,
I expect to have “girl’s night out” once in a while. If you want to go bowling with the boys, I will pout and ask why you don’t want to be with me.

I will then assume that there is a problem with the “the relationship” and will want to talk about it before you leave.

Because I am a woman,
when you invite a guys over to watch football I will make hors d’oeuvres. If you want pizza bites. If you want dip, I will shape it into a football. Woman liked shaped food.

Because I am a woman,
it is ok for me to ogle a mans butt. Especially if it is Denzel Washington. But if you so much as you turn your eyeballs in the direction of a pretty woman, I will be furious. It is not the same thing.

Because I am a woman,
I will huge a woman I hate, tell an ugly woman she looks beautiful, and ask my fat friends if they have lost weight. Therefore, if you hug me I think you want hanky panky, if you tell me I look good, I think you are lying; and if you tell me I’m not fat I will cry.

Because I am a woman,
and this the new millennium, even if I make more money than you, I still expect you to buy dinner, open doors and marmalade jars for me.

But call me “honey” and I’ll tell you that you are a sexiest pig. Unless, off course, you are Denzel Washington.

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